breathing the breath

Moving to San Diego scares me. It's hard to write about because I'm usually jumping at the opportunity to go somewhere new. New places excite me, and I've never been one to stay put for long. But this feels different. Is it because I'm getting older? Is it because it's SO VERY far away? Maybe because San Diego feels like a different world? Expansive, bare, brown. I grew up in lush woods, tree canopies, rolling hills.

I have never been against the decision we made to move there. I know in my heart that it's the right decision. I'm so proud of Luke for pursuing his coaching career and I know he has never once put that above what's best for our relationship. Together we prayed and struggled with the decision of what to do next with our life, and this is where God led us. I'm not about to doubt that it is right, but it is so hard.

I'm going to miss being close to my entire family and my sweet little nieces. Every single member of my immediate family lives in my hometown. We've been able to visit them for a weekend anytime we wanted. Now what will it entail? Saving for months and a cross country flight. My nieces will get bigger without seeing me for long stretches of time. It hurts my heart to think of all the little phases of their ages I will miss.

I'm going to miss our friends here in Nyack. I remember when we first moved here, how lonely I was, and then how we gradually became part of a wonderful community. Friends who host breakfast every single Saturday. Friends who checked in on me and invited me for dinner when Luke had to go away for a month. Friends who play music together, make food together, drink together, laugh and cry together, go camping together, play games together, throw parties together.

Friends who go to church together. Here in Nyack we are a part of the most wonderful little church we've ever been to. I have cried in church every Sunday since we made the decision to move because it hurts to know we can't be a part of such a beautiful community anymore. In the past, church has hurt and damaged my heart at times. Now at SaviorCC we are refreshed and inspired every week and throughout the week by teaching and fellowship with people who don't pretend to have it all together and who love Luke and I for who we are. God's love is represented well there.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I am comfortable here and surrounded by love and friends and community, but we're leaving and we have to find new friends, a new community, a new church and a new life. I want to be filled with excitement. I want to focus on the wonderful things about our new city and surroundings. I want to kick fear out for good so that I can be filled with God's peace and know that he would never steer me wrong. This morning Matt Redman's song "Breathing the Breath" came on as I was washing dishes and I thought, that is my job. That's all I have to do. I'm merely breathing the breath that God gave me to breathe, and he will take care of the rest. My life is an act of worship no matter where I am. I don't have to be afraid.

"From him and through him and to him are ALL THINGS. To him be the glory forever, amen." Romans 11:36